Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Grrrrrrr!  I've gained 10 lbs back from the 20 I lost.  I'm so pissed off.

Bedtime went swimmingly tonight.  Some things are good.

Monday, January 16, 2012

being a parent is challenging, every day.  every day, i'm pushed to the very brink of how much noise i can take before my head explodes, how many times i can calmly and loving say, "please stop _____" and how many iCarly episodes i can endure before my brain leaks out of my ears.

tonight, i did something i'm not proud of.  my kids were completely ignoring me - yelling, talking over my voice, not doing what i asked - so i locked myself in my room.  and they raced to the door and cried - my sweet baby boy cried like he thought he'd never see me again.  and i heard his little scared voice, and i thought, "hey, maybe this'll get through to them."  and micah said, "c'mon, let's go fix her a snack.  maybe she'll come out."  and i thought, "ooh, i hope they bring me the sorbet."


that's not what i want out of this.  that's not what they deserve.  but, hey, i guess i'm not the first mom to do that.  and it might not even be the last time i do it, as sad as rowan's cries made me feel inside.  we are all just doing whatever feels/seems/sounds/looks like it might possibly be the semi-right thing to do at that unique, brand new moment in time.  right?  

every day, the questions flood my brain - am i ruining them?  do they know how much i love them?  do they know i'd lie down in traffic, right now, for them?  do they know i'd lift a mountain, swim to the bottom of the ocean, and lasso the moon?  do they know, sometimes i sit in my room and cry myself into a snotty mess, just because i'm thinking about how crazily i love them?  

they should know.  if they don't know that, every day, every second of their lives, i'm doing it wrong.  
today was about struggling my way through some aspects of my personality that continue to annoy and disappoint me.  i have a really hard time being consistent, with anything: with food, with the kids, with making plans, EVERYTHING.  i've always been this way, but it hasn't always bothered me as much as it has started to lately.  it's something i'd really like to work on this year.

well, i guess today the universe decided i should get started working on that.  today, josh and i both had the day off from work, and we were very excited about having a family day.  we'd planned to take the kids to quiggly's clayhouse in richardson.  first mistake: i told them about it without checking our budget first.  we ended up not having enough money to do this... but i put off telling the kids, hoping to distract them somehow.  because i was embarassed and sad.  then, micah's friend called and asked if she could go door-to-door selling girl scout cookies (micah's a daisy this year)... and against my better judgment, and even though it was not on the agenda for the day, i said, "sure!"  see, this is the problem i have - striking that balance between impulsivity and rigidity.  why can't anything be easy?  so, micah went girl scouting, but it turns out she didn't really want to, and didn't understand she was doing that instead of going to quiggly's clayhouse (and the reason she didn't understand that is because i purposefully didn't explain it), then rowan had a meltdown because he was tired, and micah had a meltdown because she was tired and frustrated... oh boy, it was a rough day/evening.  then both kids napped late and were up late, but i didn't care because we were happy and having fun, finally.

SO.  what am i going to do?  i'm going to:

  • STOP telling the kids what the "plan" is until i have actually fully thought out the "plan" and decided whether it's going to work at all
  • START breathing and being in the moment, and let go of anxiety over what's going to happen next or what's supposed to happen
  • START respecting myself enough to stick to what i say, and give the kids the stability and reliability they need (especially micah)
and a lot of other stuff.  like quit eating junk.  i weighed myself tonight, and almost cried.