well... it's been a rough few weeks.

early in july, grandmommy (my maternal grandmother) was diagnosed with breast cancer.  she had a mastectomy and axillary lymph node dissection on the 19th.  some of the lymph nodes were positive for cancer cells, so she will be undergoing chemotherapy and radiation as soon as she heals completely from her surgery.  she's feeling weak, but not having any pain right now.  i'm scared of what's down the road for her, and my family.  i'm trying to be positive, but i'm very sad and anxious.

this past saturday, the 28th, josh's mother passed away.  it was very sudden and shocking.  she's been ill with MS for 20 years.  every few months or so, we would get a call because she was in the hospital with a UTI (she had a catheter for years), and it was always frightening, but she was usually home within a couple of days.  on saturday josh's twin sister jill went to visit her, and she was having trouble breathing... and within 10 minutes, she was gone.  i was at work, and josh had the kids at my dad's when he received the news.  i got a panicked text message from jill, just before mom passed, and rushed to my dad's.  i don't think i'll get the sight and sound of josh out of my head anytime soon.

the past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions and planning and phone calls and organizing and purging.  there will be a memorial service for the staff and residents of the nursing home where mom lived tomorrow morning.  thursday morning, we'll go to the funeral home to see her once more before her body is cremated and her remains placed into urns selected by each of her five kids.  thursday evening we'll gather at a coffee shop in downtown garland for a celebration of her life, with family and friends who want to honor her memory.

life hurts us sometimes.  i am deeply grateful for my family and friends.  i pray for comfort for my husband.  it's unbelievably difficult to watch your spouse suffer this kind of loss.  josh grieves very differently than i believe i would (i really don't know for sure).  i hope i'm doing a good job taking care of him.

Grrrrrrr!  I've gained 10 lbs back from the 20 I lost.  I'm so pissed off.

Bedtime went swimmingly tonight.  Some things are good.

being a parent is challenging, every day.  every day, i'm pushed to the very brink of how much noise i can take before my head explodes, how many times i can calmly and loving say, "please stop _____" and how many iCarly episodes i can endure before my brain leaks out of my ears.

tonight, i did something i'm not proud of.  my kids were completely ignoring me - yelling, talking over my voice, not doing what i asked - so i locked myself in my room.  and they raced to the door and cried - my sweet baby boy cried like he thought he'd never see me again.  and i heard his little scared voice, and i thought, "hey, maybe this'll get through to them."  and micah said, "c'mon, let's go fix her a snack.  maybe she'll come out."  and i thought, "ooh, i hope they bring me the sorbet."

YUCK.

that's not what i want out of this.  that's not what they deserve.  but, hey, i guess i'm not the first mom to do that.  and it might not even be the last time i do it, as sad as rowan's cries made me feel inside.  we are all just doing whatever feels/seems/sounds/looks like it might possibly be the semi-right thing to do at that unique, brand new moment in time.  right?  

every day, the questions flood my brain - am i ruining them?  do they know how much i love them?  do they know i'd lie down in traffic, right now, for them?  do they know i'd lift a mountain, swim to the bottom of the ocean, and lasso the moon?  do they know, sometimes i sit in my room and cry myself into a snotty mess, just because i'm thinking about how crazily i love them?  

they should know.  if they don't know that, every day, every second of their lives, i'm doing it wrong.  

today was about struggling my way through some aspects of my personality that continue to annoy and disappoint me.  i have a really hard time being consistent, with anything: with food, with the kids, with making plans, EVERYTHING.  i've always been this way, but it hasn't always bothered me as much as it has started to lately.  it's something i'd really like to work on this year.

well, i guess today the universe decided i should get started working on that.  today, josh and i both had the day off from work, and we were very excited about having a family day.  we'd planned to take the kids to quiggly's clayhouse in richardson.  first mistake: i told them about it without checking our budget first.  we ended up not having enough money to do this... but i put off telling the kids, hoping to distract them somehow.  because i was embarassed and sad.  then, micah's friend called and asked if she could go door-to-door selling girl scout cookies (micah's a daisy this year)... and against my better judgment, and even though it was not on the agenda for the day, i said, "sure!"  see, this is the problem i have - striking that balance between impulsivity and rigidity.  why can't anything be easy?  so, micah went girl scouting, but it turns out she didn't really want to, and didn't understand she was doing that instead of going to quiggly's clayhouse (and the reason she didn't understand that is because i purposefully didn't explain it), then rowan had a meltdown because he was tired, and micah had a meltdown because she was tired and frustrated... oh boy, it was a rough day/evening.  then both kids napped late and were up late, but i didn't care because we were happy and having fun, finally.

SO.  what am i going to do?  i'm going to:

• STOP telling the kids what the "plan" is until i have actually fully thought out the "plan" and decided whether it's going to work at all
• START breathing and being in the moment, and let go of anxiety over what's going to happen next or what's supposed to happen
• START respecting myself enough to stick to what i say, and give the kids the stability and reliability they need (especially micah)

and a lot of other stuff.  like quit eating junk.  i weighed myself tonight, and almost cried.

i was just re-reading posts from the past many months. that 5k so did not happen. haha. :-) but i am still going to zumba class twice a week, and trying, trying to eat better... but i'm not doing very well with that. i lost 20 lbs, then gained about 5.5 back. i need to start using the Lose It! app again, pronto.

i love my job, but i don't like being away from the kids so much. micah and rowan are both doing really well at and enjoying school. they're so wonderful. they fight CONSTANTLY. we were going through absolute hell at bedtime there for a while - partially because i wasn't being consistent and was trying something different almost every night, out of desperation - but we've finally settled into a nice routine that works for everyone. around 8 o'clock the kids brush their teeth and get into pj's. no later than 9 o'clock, they lay down in bed and i read to them until they fall asleep. if rowan falls asleep before micah, and if micah's still awake and not quite ready for sleep, she's allowed to turn her lamp on and quietly read, write, draw, etc. in bed until she's sleepy. this works great for her because she feels like she has a little bit of control over her bedtime (because i have learned finally that i can't make her go to sleep, no matter what i do); and it works great for me, because one of the things that's always driven me nuts about bedtime is that i have to be in there with them, either lying down or nursing or whatever, until they fall asleep. i am SO HAPPY they're finally at the age where i can sit in a chair and just read. don't get me wrong - when they were babies, nothing made me happier than to snuggle and nurse them to sleep every single night, and i wouldn't change a thing. but as they've gotten older, i've grown less and less patient with actively participating and facilitating every moment of the whole "falling asleep" process. i've been so ready for them to learn how to lie down and fall asleep on their own. not that they're really even on their own - i'm in the room. but sitting in a chair reading is so different from lying down with them, for me. again, i love it, i wouldn't have it any other way. all that is to say... this new routine is really working well for me because i can kiss micah goodnight, leave her to her journal or book, and check on her periodically, while getting to do what i want with the rest of the evening. before, after lying down with them, by the time they finally fell asleep, my nerves would be too shot to do anything.

rowan's so funny, he's always sound asleep within minutes of me starting to read. :-)

micah is enjoying first grade! her first day went off without a hitch - she got a great night's rest, had a big breakfast (a sure sign that she wasn't feeling anxious), josh and i got her there on time and walked her to her classroom. sweet mrs. may was there greeting students at the door, and we walked micah to her desk. she asked me to hang up her backpack for her, then she sat down and opened her yellow play-doh. josh and i both bent down and kissed her head, i squeezed her shoulders, and we left! it was AWESOME!!

i got the produce supervisor position i interviewed for! the interview went great - i was very prepared, relaxed, and confident. i started this past monday, and i am having a blast. i already feel a sense of ownership about the floral department, and i'm looking forward to being able to implement some of my ideas. i'm tired as hell, but it feels good. i haven't gone to zumba class this week, but other than that, i'm happy.

my med term class is going really well! every class, i feel all emotional and humbled by the design of the human body... i wish we all understood what goes on inside of us more clearly. i am getting only a tiny sliver of a glimpse of it in this seven-week course, and i want more!! maybe i'll go to medical school. nah... couldn't take it. mr. saunders, my instructor, likes to laugh at the faces i make when he pulls up google images of things like parasitic twins, tumors with teeth and hair, ruptured spleens, etc. i don't think i'm cut out for health care.

yesterday i took nine LLL helping calls. NINE. in one day! it was awesome. every call made me happy that i'm doing what i'm doing.

i have an interview tomorrow for a supervisor position on the produce team at work. i'm a little nervous about it because i don't have any experience in produce - or in any profit center, for that matter; i've only worked on the front end and in admin - but i think i've got a good shot at the job because i've been with the company a long time and i understand the financial side. we'll see. i've got some good ideas, but i just hope i get can them across in the interview without getting all nervous...

micah starts school on monday. the summer didn't zoom by as quickly as i was afraid it would. we went swimming a lot, had fun with friends, went to the park (before it got into the triple digits) and had a fun weekend in austin. it was a great summer. i'm actually looking forward to the fall, school, and getting back into a routine. all i have to worry about is getting her school supplies... she already has a whole new wardrobe for this school-year, thanks to generous hand-me-downs from mama. :-)

i did get down 17.5 lbs, but i gained some back. i seem to do really well for a while with my diet, then i get lazy. working out is so fun, but i don't have time to do it as often as i'd like. maybe when micah and rowan are both in school and i don't have lina anymore, i'll have more time to go to the Y.

starting in mid-october, i won't be babysitting lina anymore! it's going to be so strange! she's starting montessori school. she'll have so much fun. she's such a smart kid, it'll be a perfect environment for her, i have a feeling. we'll miss her, though.