Saturday, November 3, 2012

i just published a couple of blog posts from a while back, and i'd hoped they'd show up with their original dates, but they didn't... so that's confusing.  oh well.  i don't think anyone is reading anymore, anyway.  i don't blame them, i only post every few months!! 

micah is loving gymnastics.  she goes two days a week at heights recreation center in richardson.  last week her teacher came out with the kids when class was over, found me, and let me know that micah is ready to move up to the intermediate class.  i was so excited and proud!  then micah quickly let it be known that she was not interested in the slightest about moving up a level, and that her teacher was "wrong.  I am not ready, mama."  okay then.  i asked her if it was because she didn't want to leave her friends, and she insisted it was because she really does not feel ready.  i feel bad for not believing her, but i honestly think it's because she doesn't like change and new things!  so we'll see what we all decide to do about that.  part of me is like, hey, this is supposed to be fun and engaging physical exercise for her, and if switching classes will make it STOP being that, then what's the point?  but also... i want her to try new things and challenge herself.  lord, where's my parenting manual...

rowan just finished two sessions of karate lessons at the richardson ymca.  he loved it, had so much fun, and looked so cute in his gi!  now he's going to try kung fu at the rec center.  i would love it if his class coincided with micah's gymnastics class, but i don't think there's much chance of that happening...

grandmommy is doing well.  she is taking a two-week break from taxol infusions so the swelling in her legs and feet can have a chance to go down.  her doctors think the edema is a side effect of the taxol, so that's why they want to give her a break.  i don't get to see her often, since her white blood cell count is low and she can't really risk having people around her.  but she sends out email updates to all the ladies in her bible class, and all the folks at church who are praying for her and sweepie, and she always includes the family in the email list. 

we had a wonderful halloween!  micah went as cleopatra again this year, and rowan chose to wear his gi and be a karate kid. :)  our street and immediate neighborhood looked pretty dark, so we walked a couple of blocks up and hit the jackpot.  the neighborhood behind ours is very nice, and has a lot of older folks, and every other house was lit up and decorated.  it felt like a block party.  folks were sitting out on their porches, dads gathered in one yard drinking beer and laughing, kids having an impromptu light saber fight over there... it was marvelous.  i was so happy.  we walked up and down both sides of two streets, and the kids had more candy than we could carry.  we headed home and drove about a mile away to our old across-the-street-neighbor's new home.  he is a halloween fanatic and decorates his yard and house to the n'th degree every year, complete with flashing lights, fog machine, loud, scary music, and he and his friends in elaborate costumes.  he used to put a sign on the corners of our street that advertised the "archery lane haunting."  so fun. :)  so the kids had fun seeing his kids again, and he and josh hung out and chatted for a bit.  then we went home, and the kids engaged in a halloween ritual that i enjoyed, too, as a child: the organizing of the hoard.  they dumped out their bags on the living room floor and sorted all their goodies by type - chocolate with the chocolate, hard candy with the hard candy, and so on.  it was so fun to watch, since i remember LOVING that part as a kid. :)  oh, and we decided on our family theme for the next several years.  we're going to do lord of the rings (josh: aragorn, me: arwen, micah: frodo, rowan: samwise), star wars (josh: obi wan, me: c3po, micah: leia, rowan: yoda), and i love lucy (josh: fred, me: ethel, micah: lucy, rowan: ricky).  the kids are most excited about i love lucy, mostly because they can't wait to dye their hair. :)

let's see, what else... josh's sister katy moved to montana and we really miss her, but got to video chat last night, so that was really fun.  the kids and i went to stay with my mom, papi, and maya in austin weekend before last, and got to see their awesome new house!!  it is beautiful, and their land is so awesome.  the kids literally spent all day outside.  it was wonderful, and i can't wait to go back.  we're looking forward to the holidays and spending even more time with family!

random news/musings

on monday grandmommy got the results of her PET/CAT scans - no cancer, anywhere!!  YAY!!!! :-) :-) :-)  she started chemo this monday.  so far, she feels fine.  she bought a wig; i know i'm going to bawl my eyes out the first time i see her in it...

8:30 seems to be our magic bedtime.  usually goes very smoothly.  rowan had a hard time falling asleep tonight for some reason, though.

my biology class is going well.  my teacher is a bit of a character.  he's from lufkin, tx and tells a lot of stories.  he reminds me so much of my uncle tony.

the celebration of life we held for josh's mom a few weeks ago was lovely.  we showed a slideshow of pictures of her, some of her old friends showed up, and everyone had a nice time talking and reminiscing.  the owners of the generator in garland were so accommodating and wonderful; we are so grateful for them!

a couple of days before the party, i accompanied josh, jill, and kyle (jill's boyfriend) to the funeral home to see susan one last time before she was cremated.  it was unbelievably surreal.  it wasn't exactly cathartic, or necessarily good or helpful in any way.  if i had it to do over, i do not think i would make the same choice.  i don't think josh feels the same way i do.  i think he needed to see his mom one more time.  i, on the other hand, find myself wishing my last memory was of her the last time i saw her alive - normal, smiling... can't change it now, and i don't want to dwell on the negative.  every so often the kids talk about her.  we've tried to make talking about or referring to her very normal and easy.  i've tried not to become overly upset or emotional when they bring her up; i don't want them to think it's taboo.  we have pictures of her around the house.

on a brighter note, the kids start school on monday!  micah's going into the 2nd grade at cooper elementary, the same sweet, little neighborhood school she's been attending since kindergarten.  rowan will be going to the public pre-k in our neighborhood this year.  we absolutely LOVE the private preschool he's attended the past two years, but weren't able to fit it into the budget anymore.  we could've afforded two days a week, but felt he would benefit from the opportunity to get into the swing of going to school every day.  he's such a homebody... i felt like it would've been a big jump for him from two days to five.

both kids had their porch parties at school last night; they got to meet their teachers, see their classrooms, and enjoy some snow cones.  i'm the secretary of the PTA this year so i was in charge of selling keychains in the cafeteria.  josh had to work, and i knew i'd need held with the kids since i had to man a table for part of the time, so i enlisted vesta to come with me.  she was happy to help!  she watched the table and rowie for me while i took micah to her new classroom.  mrs. reynolds is her teacher.  she seems very sweet, and experienced.  cali is in micah's class!  cali is one of micah's best school buddies, so that will be fun.

Monday, August 27, 2012

well, we got the babies off to school safe and sound. :)  micah has started 2nd grade in mrs. reynolds' class, and rowan is at the public pre-k in our neighborhood, in mrs. domingcil's class, afternoon program from 12:15 to 3:10.  they were both so excited when they woke up this morning!  and, they woke up at 6:30 on the nose, on their own.  so nice.  we had a lovely, relaxed morning.  we got micah to school at about 7:45, walked her into her classroom, and stood with her while she found her numbered hook for her backpack.  she looked a little anxious, but even less than at the beginning of 1st grade, and WAY better than Kindergarten.  she sat down at her desk, we gave her a squeeze and said, "i love you!" and headed out the door.  we played with rowan and snacked at home until it was time to take him to school.  we walked him in, showed him which way to go (mostly, he showed us), helped him find his cubby to put his backpack, and walked him into his classroom.  he waved hello to his teachers (mrs. domingcil and her assistant, ms. garlow), then mrs. domingcil asked him if he wanted to pick a chair to sit in.  we kissed him, he sat down, he said "i love you" in sign language to us, and we left!

i had inventory at work last night, so josh put the kids to bed.  he usually doesn't like to read out loud, but it's such a part of their nighttime routine with me that they have a hard time falling asleep without it. so josh, sweet daddy that he is, read harry potter to them until they fell asleep - which took hardly any time at all.  we took them on a nature hike yesterday morning, and they rode bikes out front after that, so they were pretty tired.  i was so happy they were asleep when i got home after 10 last night.  when i got home, josh and i watched american handyman and i made buried treasure muffins for the kids for breakfast.  we stayed up way too late...

this morning i made the kids scrambled eggs and bacon, but neither of them ate very much.  they drank ovaltine, though.  micah took her lunch -  half a pb&j on wheat, baby carrots w/ italian dressing for dipping, an apple, a juice pouch, and cheez-its.

i can't to go pick them up and find out how their first day went!!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

well... it's been a rough few weeks.

early in july, grandmommy (my maternal grandmother) was diagnosed with breast cancer.  she had a mastectomy and axillary lymph node dissection on the 19th.  some of the lymph nodes were positive for cancer cells, so she will be undergoing chemotherapy and radiation as soon as she heals completely from her surgery.  she's feeling weak, but not having any pain right now.  i'm scared of what's down the road for her, and my family.  i'm trying to be positive, but i'm very sad and anxious.

this past saturday, the 28th, josh's mother passed away.  it was very sudden and shocking.  she's been ill with MS for 20 years.  every few months or so, we would get a call because she was in the hospital with a UTI (she had a catheter for years), and it was always frightening, but she was usually home within a couple of days.  on saturday josh's twin sister jill went to visit her, and she was having trouble breathing... and within 10 minutes, she was gone.  i was at work, and josh had the kids at my dad's when he received the news.  i got a panicked text message from jill, just before mom passed, and rushed to my dad's.  i don't think i'll get the sight and sound of josh out of my head anytime soon.

the past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions and planning and phone calls and organizing and purging.  there will be a memorial service for the staff and residents of the nursing home where mom lived tomorrow morning.  thursday morning, we'll go to the funeral home to see her once more before her body is cremated and her remains placed into urns selected by each of her five kids.  thursday evening we'll gather at a coffee shop in downtown garland for a celebration of her life, with family and friends who want to honor her memory.

life hurts us sometimes.  i am deeply grateful for my family and friends.  i pray for comfort for my husband.  it's unbelievably difficult to watch your spouse suffer this kind of loss.  josh grieves very differently than i believe i would (i really don't know for sure).  i hope i'm doing a good job taking care of him.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Grrrrrrr!  I've gained 10 lbs back from the 20 I lost.  I'm so pissed off.

Bedtime went swimmingly tonight.  Some things are good.

Monday, January 16, 2012

being a parent is challenging, every day.  every day, i'm pushed to the very brink of how much noise i can take before my head explodes, how many times i can calmly and loving say, "please stop _____" and how many iCarly episodes i can endure before my brain leaks out of my ears.

tonight, i did something i'm not proud of.  my kids were completely ignoring me - yelling, talking over my voice, not doing what i asked - so i locked myself in my room.  and they raced to the door and cried - my sweet baby boy cried like he thought he'd never see me again.  and i heard his little scared voice, and i thought, "hey, maybe this'll get through to them."  and micah said, "c'mon, let's go fix her a snack.  maybe she'll come out."  and i thought, "ooh, i hope they bring me the sorbet."


that's not what i want out of this.  that's not what they deserve.  but, hey, i guess i'm not the first mom to do that.  and it might not even be the last time i do it, as sad as rowan's cries made me feel inside.  we are all just doing whatever feels/seems/sounds/looks like it might possibly be the semi-right thing to do at that unique, brand new moment in time.  right?  

every day, the questions flood my brain - am i ruining them?  do they know how much i love them?  do they know i'd lie down in traffic, right now, for them?  do they know i'd lift a mountain, swim to the bottom of the ocean, and lasso the moon?  do they know, sometimes i sit in my room and cry myself into a snotty mess, just because i'm thinking about how crazily i love them?  

they should know.  if they don't know that, every day, every second of their lives, i'm doing it wrong.  
today was about struggling my way through some aspects of my personality that continue to annoy and disappoint me.  i have a really hard time being consistent, with anything: with food, with the kids, with making plans, EVERYTHING.  i've always been this way, but it hasn't always bothered me as much as it has started to lately.  it's something i'd really like to work on this year.

well, i guess today the universe decided i should get started working on that.  today, josh and i both had the day off from work, and we were very excited about having a family day.  we'd planned to take the kids to quiggly's clayhouse in richardson.  first mistake: i told them about it without checking our budget first.  we ended up not having enough money to do this... but i put off telling the kids, hoping to distract them somehow.  because i was embarassed and sad.  then, micah's friend called and asked if she could go door-to-door selling girl scout cookies (micah's a daisy this year)... and against my better judgment, and even though it was not on the agenda for the day, i said, "sure!"  see, this is the problem i have - striking that balance between impulsivity and rigidity.  why can't anything be easy?  so, micah went girl scouting, but it turns out she didn't really want to, and didn't understand she was doing that instead of going to quiggly's clayhouse (and the reason she didn't understand that is because i purposefully didn't explain it), then rowan had a meltdown because he was tired, and micah had a meltdown because she was tired and frustrated... oh boy, it was a rough day/evening.  then both kids napped late and were up late, but i didn't care because we were happy and having fun, finally.

SO.  what am i going to do?  i'm going to:

  • STOP telling the kids what the "plan" is until i have actually fully thought out the "plan" and decided whether it's going to work at all
  • START breathing and being in the moment, and let go of anxiety over what's going to happen next or what's supposed to happen
  • START respecting myself enough to stick to what i say, and give the kids the stability and reliability they need (especially micah)
and a lot of other stuff.  like quit eating junk.  i weighed myself tonight, and almost cried.