staying home

we had plans this afternoon to meet a friend of mine at a park downtown and have a picnic lunch together, catch up while micah and rowan played on the playground. but my babes still have coughs and runny noses, so we had to cancel... something i am getting way better at doing. i handle disappointment and changes in plans very immaturely. i get my hopes up about doing something, go to sleep the night before thinking about it and planning on it. when i have to cancel, i tend to... throw a fit? how unattractive for a 26-year-old. i've been working really hard on this lately. when my kids are sick, or even tired, we stay home. when i'm sick and tired, we just stay at home. people understand; no one wants to be exposed to sickies, anyway.

i just fed micah and rowan some lunch: saltines, organic peanut butter and milk for micah ("i don't like cold peanut butter!"), and sliced turkey hot dog and organic green beans for rowan. rowan's lunch included a successful lesson in where to put his sippy cup when he's done drinking from it: in the little circular space on his booster seat tray! his sweet little face lit up when he put it there instead of throwing it on the floor, and micah and i cheered. micah gets so excited when rowan learns new things!

it is really disturbing to me how many tiny, tiny children play in the alley behind my duplex unsupervised. i swear, there are toddlers - i'm talking 2 or 3 years old, looked after by kids only in elementary school. in the alley, and in the street. i know parents can be viscously judgmental of other parents, and i strive not to be that "they obviously don't care about their kids" kind of mom, but... in the alley? really? that's akin to smoking while pregnant. you just have to be a flaming idiot. or an a**hole.

i'm feeling very snacky today. i haven't really eaten a meal yet, and it's 1:30 pm. i've had an oatmeal cookie, a pear, some string cheese, and a dr. pepper. i think i'll fix myself a sandwich here in a minute...

after several days of asking micah not to whine when asking for things, she just walked up to me and calmly said, "mommy, i would love it if you would hold me and nurse me right now." i couldn't pick her up fast enough.

rowan's party

we had a birthday party for rowan 2 weeks ago, and my mom took some beautiful photos... here they are. the last one is my favorite : )

a quiet house, time to blog

my babies are sleeping, and i finally have internet service at my house. sweet! this is fun.

first things first. my latest food obsession: pepperidge farm brown sugar & cinnamon mini bagels. they're good with butter, with cream cheese, plain and untoasted... and tomorrow, i'll find out whether they're any good with nutella. stay tuned.

rowan now has four teeth on top and two teeth on bottom. one more is breaking through on the bottom, but it doesn't seem to be bothering him, except he is a little restless at night. i never thought i'd be so happy that one of my children would take a pacifier.

my nighttime issues are way more about micah than rowan. she still wants to nurse to sleep and isn't interested in trying to fall asleep by any other method... last night marks the third time i've tried to initiate night-weaning with her. we'll see how it goes. i know i'm part of the problem; sometimes i really don't mind nursing her to sleep, and sometimes it drives me crazy. i need to be consistent! the other thing that's been going on with micah is her using sounds and noises and hand gestures instead of words. she has a huge vocabulary and can be very precise with her language when she wants to. but lately when something upsets or frustrates her - like when her brother smacks her or grabs from her, or when i do something for her that she wanted to do "by her own self" - she lets out with a loud, whiny "unnnnnhh!!" and kicks her feet or waves her arms. i have an instantaneous angry reaction to this... which doesn't help, but it really makes me furious for some reason. i wonder if it's got something to do with seeing and hearing rowan get a response from her dad and me when he uses sounds and hand gestures... and her just wanting to try it herself? i don't know. tonight i talked calmly with her about it and we came up with a phrase: "don't tell me with noises, tell me with words!" the next time she starts with the inane noise to get her point across, i'll try it and see how she responds. coming up with a solution together that way usually works well for us; she remembers what we decided, and is able to calm down and do what we talked about. sometimes it takes a few conversations for it to sink in, but we've been successful working things out this way in the past.

last night, on a lark, i decided to try to teach her how to write the letter M. she was able to do it several times; i was so excited! she also memorized our address (everything but the zip code) and repeated it back to me several times. this morning she was able to recall our house number and street name, and when i asked her to write an M she said she was too tired. : ) maybe i can homeschool her without destroying our relationship after all...

rowan has been practicing pointing at things. micah and i enjoy naming all the things he notices: the cat, the dog, the computer, the TV, the window, the bed, etc. and he has been so affectionate, with everyone! he hugs and kisses josh and me all the time, sometimes without being asked. the other night in the tub, he just wanted to lay in micah's arms. i really wish i had gotten a picture. and the day before yesterday one of my good friends was over at our house with her kids, and rowan kept toddling over to her and throwing his arms around her! : ) what a sweet, sweet boy.

oh, i went back and added some pictures of rowan in the hospital to my first post, "whirlwind", in case anyone would like to see them.

i miss josh!

my husband left earlier this week on a business trip, and i miss him. the first couple of days are always okay because the kids and i are settling into a routine without him, and some things are easier... like bedtime, because he's not here to get the kids riled up, or he's not sitting in the living room while i'm trying to nurse micah to sleep but she won't fall asleep because she knows her daddy's on the other side of that door and she hasn't gotten to play with him nearly as much as she'd like to today! mealtime also seems to be easier, because i'm the only one involved in the decision-making process. the kids will eat whatever i fix for them.

but bathtime is considerably harder. our usual routine is i get in the tub with both kids, and as soon as micah is clean she gets out. josh is usually there to towel her off and keep an eye on her while i bathe rowan. but when he's gone, i have to cajole micah into staying in the bathroom with rowan and me until we're ready to get out. bathing myself is also next to impossible. yesterday i brought a basket full of toys into the bathroom, but the toys barely held rowan's interest and i spent most of my shower picking them up out of the tub and rinsing the soap and shampoo off before handing them back to rowan so he could toss them in again.

i don't just miss josh because of the help he lends with the kids, though. i miss him because he's my best friend! i talk to him all day long; we call each other at least 3 or 4 times during the day, and we're usually together all evening, talking about our days and the kids and stuff we want to do and places we want to go. as cheesy as it sounds, i feel like a big piece of me is missing when he's gone like this, out of town.

he doesn't particularly enjoy having his picture taken, so this is the only one i have of him on my computer... i love his smile in this picture, though.

this is josh holding our daughter and the son of a close friend.

i hope he's having fun. he works with one of his best friends, and he's also good friends with his boss, so i bet he is having a good time. boy time. at least we get to talk more often this time. last time he left town, he was in a more rural area in texas and his cell phone was on roaming the whole time.

(the word 'time' is in this paragraph five times.)

i'm counting the days until he's home again. : )

trick-or-treating is for the young-at-heart

trick-or-treating was so fun and nostalgic for me! my dad and i reminisced about childhood halloweens while micah and zach, my foster brother, ran up and down the front walks of spooky house after spooky house, giggling and counting candy. we remembered one year when it was so cold we had to wear heavy coats over our costumes – what a drag! i don’t think my mom ever got out of the van that night, as we drove around to different neighborhoods, looking for the best houses. and one year not too long ago, my dad put up some stellar spooky decorations on his front porch, including a 15-foot-tall cloaked, bug-headed monster… and not one trick-or-treater showed up all night long. he was so disappointed.

today i went to a baby shower for one of my closest friends, jessica. she’s having a baby boy in january. baby showers are so exciting! she got tons of great stuff, some fun and some functional. josh took micah and rowan to see his grandmother in rowlett, so i got to spend the afternoon mingling and snacking and visiting with my friends! it was so much fun!

i'll post pictures of the kids in their costumes soon...

fall, fall, fall

i hate not having the internet at home! it makes blogging difficult. i’d be posting every morning, noon and night if i could do it while sitting in our playroom with micah and rowan happily milling around, busying themselves with dolls and pretend food and puzzles. then I wouldn’t have to make each post so long!

we went to our la leche league toddler group yesterday and had so much fun, as usual. it was a gorgeous day, and everyone enjoyed the playground and pumpkin patch after the meeting. here are a few pictures i took of my kids and their friends playing among the pumpkins. good grief, i love autumn!

another favorite fall activity is feeding the ducks at a neighborhood creek.

i’ve noticed that when we spend time outside every day, i feel healthier. when we stay indoors all day, or even for two or three consecutive days, due to weather or sickness or no money to spend, i get headachey and irritable. sometimes it’s hard to get motivated to get out of the house, but we always have a better day when we do. and after the outward activity, we come back inward, back to home base for quiet play and rest. micah, my 3-and-a-half-year-old, is my little spirited introvert. i gleaned this terminology from mary sheedy kurcinka's book, raising your spirited child. it’s a must-read for any parent of a child who is more – more sensitive, more energetic, more perceptive than other kids seem to be. my daughter micah is spirited. she has a passionate, fierce little spirit that sometimes manifests itself in hour-long tantrums, gleeful defiance, and rude standoffishness. she enjoys being social and playing with her friends, but it’s very important that i give her time at home, in the quiet familiarity of our house, to recharge her batteries. otherwise, a meltdown is inevitable. at home, in between outward activities, i read books to her or i ask her to lie down on the couch and watch a short video. taking time to rest her body, even if she doesn’t fall asleep, makes a big difference for her. i like that she needs that time by herself and to rest, though. i believe that inward/outward rhythm is very important for children, and since i know the consequences for micah if i don’t adhere to that routine, it makes it easier for me to remember. i wonder how rowan’s personality will be…

i realized something about micah today. she demands the best of me as a parent. she won’t settle for distracted half-answers to her questions, or half-hearted pretending. if i’m playing with her, i’d better be all there, completely in the moment, or she’ll call me on it. it’s frustrating, sometimes. when i’m worried about something or have something on my mind and feel like being introspective, that’s when she relentlessly pulls me out of my own thoughts and makes me focus on her needs. it can make me feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown… but, at the same time, she reminds me of what’s truly important, and that is her needs, and rowan’s needs. i am first and foremost myself, and my self is a mother, their mother. the bills will go unpaid today whether i play with her with all of my heart or not. but if i don’t, i will miss this little snippet of time in her short childhood to get lost with her, in her imaginary world. and i can’t stand the thought of that.

tomorrow we’ll join our la leche league friends again at a park in east dallas. from there we’ll go home to rest and do some chores, then at nightfall we’ll trick-or-treat with my dad, stepmom & foster brother! What a fun day to look forward to!!

rowan's birth day

he is sleeping

syrupy dishes in the sink say
daddy did what he had to to keep the peace today
the house feels strange
i don't care that the floor needs cleaning
or that toys are strewn about
the dog, the very walls seem concerned that
things aren't as they should be
my breasts are boulders full of milk, oh they hurt...
i am not in my head
nor am i in my body as i imagined, crushed
and weeping, shaking
i am moving, doing, talking, but barely thinking
my autopilot is on
mercy... mercy comes at me from the shadows
leaving a sigh and a sweet, familiar smell in her wake
mercy is a warm, soft hand in which my spirit curls up
and sleeps deeply
while the rest of me keeps moving, doing, talking
my heart is outside of my body
lying in a crate (as micah calls them)
tended to by strangers... but i love them
i want them to hold me
strangers in my territory
fluids coursing in through sterile plastic tubing
air pumped by a machine
made by a stranger in a foreign land
now working as my son's lungs
stretching, opening

the chair could be more comfortable
but i would sleep on a bed of nails to be near him

the sun streams through the weirdly tinted window
fast-food breaskfast turns and churns in my stomach
his eyes are open now
the machines are gone
the tubes are gone
it's just him, his skin
and my body aches for his
with the quaking limbs of a new mother in ecstasy
i sit with my arms outstretched
and from the joy and relief with which
i receive him at my breast
you would think we had been separated for a lifetime
but we were never apart
it was me in that crate



i love you, rowan. happy birth day, sweet son of mine.

-hannah