...and the search for a house to rent continues! we were supposed to view two homes today, but one of the homeowners was having company today and didn't want to worry about getting her home ready for prospective renters to look at, so we're going on monday to see both homes. today the kids and i are going to play at my friend alison's house instead, and hopefully get some playtime outdoors as the afternoon warms up.

the whole house hunt thing is really frustrating, because we don't have a deposit. so, say we find a house we really like and want to rent. we have to hope like crazy that someone else doesn't come along in the next two months who, unlike us, can just write a check for the deposit right then and there to hold the house, and we're back where we started. the chances of that happening are pretty good, i think. it doesn't really make sense to look until we have a deposit. but our lease us up in 60 days, and we have to give our landlord 30 days' notice if we intend to move. so we have to find something pretty soon! argh. josh should have gotten a second job already, and we should have already saved up a deposit. poor planning.

rowan is feeding himself with a fork or spoon very well lately. he just attempted a cup of applesauce, and did fairly well! his favorite toys right now are the squirt bottle we use to spray the spider's terrarium (he likes spraying himself in the face), and micah's fairy wings and doll stroller. twice yesterday, he could be seen pushing a baby around the house in the stroller, wearing a blue beaded necklace and those beautiful fairy wings. if there were ever a time for the camera's memory card to not be full...

micah has fallen asleep the past two nights without nursing (yay!) and is showing some big changes. she's been listening really well, has been in a really happy, playful mood a lot of the time, and has had hardly any major meltdowns these past few weeks. josh also noticed her appetite has been growing! i've been looking at swing sets online, and we plan to surprise her with one for her 4th birthday. : ) we'll have a nice, big backyard by then.

baby lina had a couple of rough days with us, but her dad said she'd been fussy at home, too. they suspect a tooth. yesterday was much better, and today's going good so far, too.

i'm excited about having some family pictures taken next thursday. josh's sisters are coming into town (except for the one who lives in mckinney; she's already in town) and we're all going to a photography studio in plano. we're going to take some sibling pictures (josh and his sisters), and some "frister" pictures (frister: sisters and friends; that's me and my sisters-in-law). it's going to be fun!

rowan news

rowan said "baby" tonight. : ) we were lying in bed together and i said, "are you my baby boy?" and he repeated "baby" back to me. yay! he also pointed to the door and said what sounded like "go out." but it was a definite motioning towards the door and a question, with the upward lilt in his voice at the end. he knows what shoes are (if i ask him to bring me his shoes, he will) and he knows where the kitchen is, and he knows who all the people in our family are (if i ask him to take something to his daddy, he will). and he dances, very adorably. if there's music playing, he either stomps his feet alternately or wiggles his bum back and forth. he does the hand motions with me when i sing "the itsy bitsy spider." and he does the cutest thing when baby lina is at our house. he walks up to her, and bends his knees to look at her, with his legs together and placing his hands on his thighs - just the way adults do when they're bending down to look at or talk to a cute child! i love it! : )

alison and her family joined the kids and me at church this morning. it was really fun showing them around the church i grew up in, and introducing them to my grandparents and my uncle, and to all the people there who've known my family since before i was born. that place feels so much like home, and it was nice sharing it with one of my best friends. micah stayed in class without me, because she had her buddy isaac there to glean confidence from. works for me. : ) i wish they could come with us every week!

micah told me tonight that, once she doesn't need nursey at night anymore, she wants to spend the night with dada and nana (that's my dad and vesta). after eating breakfast with them the next morning, she wants me to come pick her up and take her home. needless to say, this made my stepmom, who's been campaigning for a sleepover since micah was born, quite excited. i can't imagine the day when my kids sleep away from me, but i know it'll arrive someday...

josh and i have been hunting for a house to rent in april, when our lease here is up. richardson is so far proving to be out of our price range. we're looking at west garland, where the prices are lower and we're still close to my family and all our familiar places. in order to have enough for a security and pet deposit, josh needs to get an evening job, which hasn't happened yet. so we may have to go month-to-month here until we can save up enough money to move. we're soooo ready... this place has been fun, but we've outgrown it, and the quality of the house and the neighborhood is beginning to get to us. tonight at my dad's house, i mentioned that we were going to try to move in april, and he said, "i'd love for you to move, you live in a dump." it made me wince a little. not because i disagree with him, but because i was embarrassed that he thinks we're keeping his grandkids in a dump. i think everyone considers where they live to be reflective of their education, lifestyle, status, etc. i love having friends and family over to my house, but i know how much more i'd love it if i had a nice, pretty house that i was proud of and that i felt reflected my personality. i also think twice before inviting friends over if their houses are much bigger and nicer than mine! isn't that silly?

i know my parents wish i'd gone to college, and i know they wish josh had a higher education too, and a better-paying job, only because they want the very best for us and for micah and rowan. i want the best for us too! but we can be happy with a small house and old cars and hand-me-downs. and i have faith in my husband and in his ability to provide for us; i have never doubted that he would do whatever it took to keep food on the table and the rent and the bills paid, even if that meant working two jobs - and it has, in the past. and now with our economy in the state that it's in, it's becoming even harder to keep our heads above water. but this will pass, and when the kids are grown and josh is making good money at his dream job, designing furniture and residential and commercial interiors, and we live in our dream house, we'll remember this difficult time in our lives and be thankful for all the generous help we received from family members and friends. when the energy that you put into the universe is positive and hopeful, the universe provides positive change and rewards hope with blessings. i believe that.

the enrichment meeting was fun, but it was a little cramped. : ) i asked a couple of the moms if it was horrible and uncomfortable, and they said it was perfectly fine... but they probably just said that to make me feel good. : ) i can't wait until i have a bigger house and can host more things! it really wasn't all that bad... the couch and dining room chairs provided seating for six, we rolled the computer desk chair in for one more, and the rest sat on the floor. i just felt so bad for the moms sitting on the floor, especially the one who was about nine months pregnant, and actually ended up giving birth the very next morning! i also felt bad about not providing anything yummy to drink. the day before i didn't make it to the store to buy juice and stuff, so all we had was ice water. oh well... i'll do better next time.

after the meeting, two of the moms, alison and miranda and their kids stayed over and we walked down to the park to enjoy the freakishly warm weather. it was fun; we had lots of good conversation while the kids ran and played in the sun. rowan and alison's youngest, marlowe, both ended up falling asleep in the baby swings.

yesterday morning we had more park time at the LLL dallas playgroup. about eight other moms showed up, and the kids all had a blast on the playground together while the moms sat in the covered pavillion and chatted. i am lovin' this warm january weather. : ) plenty of opportunities to get outdoors!

this weekend, we've only got a few fun plans, and the rest of the time will be spent at home relaxing and cleaning up.

i am a bad american. i didn't watch president obama's inauguration speech yesterday. i still have not heard it in its entirety. i was delivering meals on wheels yesterday while it was being broadcast live, and i caught bits and pieces on the radio, but... i have yet to hear and watch the whole thing.

i feel like my grandparents. when i was in high school and doing a research paper on the vietnam war, i tried interviewing my grandparents as people who'd lived through it, and would undoubtedly have tons of memories to share of watching walter cronkite on the news, and listening to president kennedy and attorney general kennedy's speeches. i was surprised, disappointed, and a little annoyed to hear that they didn't recall too much about it, because they had three young children in the house from 1961 on. their lives revolved around their kids, just as mine does around micah and rowan. but i'm really ashamed that i haven't paid closer attention to this historical election. i'm ashamed, surprised, disappointed, and a little annoyed with myself... a friend of mine wrote a letter to her kids about the events of this january 20th, and it never even occurred to me to do that. but now i'm going to. right after i watch president obama's speech and ceremony.

delivering meals on wheels yesterday was a little nuts with three kids (mine, and baby lina, the baby i take care of during the week). we had 17 hot meals to deliver, at 10 different locations, two of them apartment complexes and the rest houses. my kids actually did really well riding in the car for over 2 hours, but little lina was not pleased for most of the time. i brought one bottle for her and fed her in the car, but i think she got cold with the door opening every few minutes. our stops were all in a geographic cluster, and the paperwork we picked up with the coolers had them mapped out in a logical order (except for one). all in all, it was a really great experience. micah enjoyed helping me deliver the meals at the two apartment complexes, while my dad sat in the car with rowan and lina. once we left the apartments and were delivering to the houses, it was super easy and fast. my notes for next month: only bring micah with me, bring a bag to put the meals in for the apartments so we don't have to run back to the car, and bring a highlighter to mark the houses on the mapsco pages that come attached to the paperwork!

i'm hosting a la leche league enrichment meeting at my house tomorrow morning. i always get really nervous, doing things like this. my house really isn't all that nice, it's tiny, and i never get everything done beforehand that i want to. for example, it's twenty till midnight, and i haven't vacuumed or washed my hair. sigh...

tonight was my second get-away night at my dad's, to eat dinner and watch one of my favorite TV programs with no kids. : ) josh took micah and rowan to visit his mom at the nursing home, while i ate pork chops, mashed potatoes and black-eyed peas and watched 24 with my dad and my stepmom. it was sooooo relaxing and fun! it totally recharges my batteries, getting away like that, once every other week or so.

tomorrow morning, my dad and i (and the kids) deliver meals on wheels for the first time. we pick up the coolers at 9:30 am, and there are 9 stops on the route (give or take, depending on whether any are added or deleted from the paperwork i pick up with the coolers). it should take no more than a couple of hours. i plan to bring drinks, snacks, books and toys for my kids, and a bottle for lina, and that will hopefully keep everyone happy in the car. i went on a dry run today, while micah and rowan were napping in the car, just to make sure i knew where all the stops were. i'm glad i did, because a couple were tricky.

i wish we were having an earlier bedtime tonight, but the kids both fell asleep in the car with josh on the way to the nursing home tonight, so neither of them are ready for bed yet. sigh...

our friend's birthday party yesterday was really fun. the kids romped and played in the backyard in the sunshine, then we came inside for presents and yummy cheesecake. we got the birthday boy a little baby doll, and micah picked out a little wooden teething toy, and wrapped it herself. : ) well, i helped with the bow. anyway, the party was really fun, but a couple of hours into our stay, rowan walked up to me and held his arms up, and when i picked him up, he was burning hot! i couldn't believe a fever had come on that quickly. he pretty much collapsed on my shoulder, so i rounded up micah, made my apologies for possibly exposing the other guests, and we left. rowan was acting sort of delirious; he could barely hold his head up, and fell asleep in the car seat with his head lolling forward. i was trying not to panic; i get so anxious anytime he gets sick, now. he did/does have a yucky cough and a runny nose. when we got home, i took his temp and it was only 99 degrees. he felt a lot hotter than that. all three of us got into bed and napped until about 6:oo pm. when we woke up, i took rowan's temp again, and he no longer had a fever. he was fine for the rest of the night, fine again this morning. i don't know what that was about; i guess, some sort of little respiratory infection that his little system was fighting off. it was just really weird, how quickly the fever came and went.

in my mind and imagination, i've expanded the time between when rowan's breathing became very labored, and when i took him to the doctor and subsequently, the ER, to three or four days. in reality, his chest started retracting and his breathing became strident sunday night, and i took him monday morning. i can't seem to convince myself that i did not let him struggle and strive for air for days before finally doing something about it. i think it's because that sunday night, i sat up beside him in bed all night long, watching his chest cave in and listening to him gasp and wheeze. the night seemed to go on and on, until finally the doctor's office opened and i could call and make an appointment. had i known what was going on, i would've just driven him straight to the emergency room, in the wee hours of the morning. i guess that's what i can't let go of: that i could've, and should've taken him sooner. he must've been so scared and uncomfortable, that whole time... i can't stand thinking about it. now, whenever he comes down with anything respiratory, i find myself on high alert, taking off his shirt so i can see how his chest is moving, and pressing my face against his every chance i get, listening for that stridor. epiglottitis is extremely rare, and i know he won't get it again... but i think i've condemned myself to consuming worry for a long, long time.

"epiglottitis in the very young (younger than 1 year) is unusual and occurs in only about 4% of cases." - emedicine.com

"since 1985, with the widespread vaccination against Haemophilus influenzae type b (or Hib), which was the most common organism related to epiglottitis, the overall incidence of the disease among children has dropped dramatically." - emedicine.com (rowan had not recieved the Hib vaccine when he got sick)

his experience is the main reason josh and i decided to vaccinate our kids, after all. we decided we would rather face the risk of either of them having a reaction to the shots, or dealing with heavy metal toxicity, then see either of our babies in a hospital bed with a tube down their throats ever, ever again. most people probably think this is a no-brainer, and wonder how in the world we ever came to the conclusion that it was acceptable not to immunize our kids. all i can say is we became deathly afraid of the possible link between vaccines and autism, and were appalled by some of the ingredients in vaccines, like formaldahyde, and viruses grown in monkey or cow cells. we read article after article about the growing movement of parents who were saying no to vaccines, and trusting in the strength and ability of their kids' God-given immune systems. it just all seemed completely unnatural and bizarre, and we didn't want any of that stuff injected into our precious children's bodies. but after having two close-calls (rowan's epiglottitis, and we thought micah had rubella while i was pregnant with rowan), the reward no longer outweighs the risk for us. i know rowan could have gotten epiglottitis even if he'd been properly vaccinated, but still. and micah didn't really have rubella, just a run-of-the-mill rash-causing virus... but still.