Tuesday, February 17, 2009

delivering meals on wheels this morning with just micah and lina in tow was a breeze. my dad stayed at my house with rowan. i just put lina in the sling and micah walked beside me at the apartment complexes. micah loves to stand in front of the doors and hold the meals while i knock. she hands them to the elderly or invalid people, and they get such a kick out of seeing her and lina. it was dreary and drizzly today, but we had fun anyway. at the houses, the girls just stayed in the car while i ran up to the doors with the meals.

at our first stop today, one of the apartments, we discovered the lady for whom we'd brought the meal had passed away last night. her son and daughter were there in her apartment, taking care of things. a man was bringing all sorts of medical equipment and stuff out into the hallway as we walked up - a wheelchair, mattress, oxygen tank and stand, etc. - but i didn't think anything of it; i just thought it was being sent out to be cleaned or serviced. the daughter invited us inside and told us her mom had died. i hugged her, and i told her i wished her and her family peace today, and that i would take care of notifying the meals on wheels office.

on the way back to the car and to the next apartment complex, micah and i had this conversation:

m: "but i thought we were supposed to give the meal to the lady."
h: "well, she wasn't there. she wasn't in her apartment."
m: "where was she?"
h: (pause while i tried to figure out what to say) "she doesn't live there anymore. now she lives in heaven with the angels."
m: "you mean she died?"
h: "yes, she died."
m: "when's she coming back to her apartment?"
h: "she won't be back there. she doesn't live here on earth with us anymore."
m: "she didn't live with us, at our house."
h: "i mean on earth, with everyone. she lives in heaven now, with God and the angels."
m: "why?"
h: "she had lived a long, long, long time, and her body and her spirit were tired. she was very sick. now, in heaven, her body is perfect, and she can dance and play. she sings all day long."
m: "couldn't she sing in her apartment?"

this calm, matter-of-fact conversation about death with my sweet daughter made me realize what a tremendous responsibility i have to provide her with true, unbiased, unemotional answers to the big questions in life. i don't know if i did it right today. maybe including God and heaven and the angels in my explanation was biased... or maybe it was true. it was certainly emotional, because i was choking back tears as i spoke to her. especially when i explained who the woman in the apartment was, and micah said, "that was the lady's daughter, her little girl?" and i imagined micah, a long time from now, in my apartment, taking care of my affairs... and missing me, her heart aching for me, like i'm sure that woman's heart was aching today, looking at the little cellophane-wrapped chicken and rice we'd brought for her mom to eat off of a tray table, probably, in front of the TV. her mom, who is gone from this earth now.

micah and rowan rely on me and josh for all the answers, all the explanations, all the truth. the information we give them about anything, everything, will form the basis of what they think and feel. one wrong word, one faulty reasoning, and their view may be skewed... and we won't know the ill effects until they're grown, and micah says, "do you remember that time we went to that lady's apartment and she had died? i've been terrified of death since that day."

maybe i'm taking this all a bit too seriously... but it is somewhat overwhelming to me, suddenly, that my children will be so heavily impacted and impressed by me, and my words. it kind of makes me want to get a blank book and write down every heavy question they may ask me during the course of their lives, and practice my answers.

never before have i felt that foreboding sense of, "what if i get it wrong?"

1 comment:

Laura said...

oh hannah...i think you did a beautiful job. that is so hard. what a big responsibility we have as parents. i can't imagine the "death" conversation and not being emotional. i get emotional filling out my life insurance forms...i can't imagine talking to eli and chase about death!!