Monday, December 29, 2008

rowan is throwing up this evening. :-/ it started in the car on the way to the park... it was such a beautiful day today, i decided to take the kids down the street and get some outside play. just as we turned onto my mom's street - one street over from the neighborhood park - i turned to smile at rowan in his car seat, and literally watched him throw up. i jerked the car over to the curb, hopped out with the motor still running, ran around to his side and yanked him out of his car seat. i was terrified he would choke, because his car seat was reclined, since he'd been napping. i cleaned him and his car seat as best i could with the baby wipes in my bag, then we headed back home to get cleaned up, much to micah's dismay. at home, i put on a dick van dyke DVD for micah and got in the tub with rowan. that all happened around 4:30 pm, and he's been puking every 30 mins or so since then. he seems to be feeling okay in between hurls. now, he's just throwing up breastmilk.

(p.s. in the car when he threw up the first time, it scared him. he got all shaky and cried pretty hard. and after it was over, he grabbed my face and leaned in for a kiss - kisses are a great source of comfort for him. well, i kissed him, throw-up and all. and if that is not indicative of how close and boundary-less a mother and child can be, i don't know what is!! i'm not bragging, i'm just saying, it's that special. i don't think i would even kiss josh if he had throw-up on his mouth. : ) just kidding, i totally would.)

on a more fun/bittersweet note, for the first time today i put rowan in sneakers instead of his soft-soled leather shoes. just one of those little milestones that remind you they're growing older all the time! i still want to buy him another pair of soft-soled walkers, like robeez. i'm just in denial that he is old enough for sneakers! they did look cuuuuuuute, though.

today has been a much better day with micah. during a conversation the other night, my mom reminded me that micah's strong will may be infuriating to me and josh, but it is very overpowering and frightening to micah. so with that in mind today, when she would start to "lock in" to something, whether it was pouring her own milk for her cereal or being allowed to shove her brother out of her play tent... i would look into her eyes and calmly say, "you are not in charge. it's not your decision; it is mine. i am in charge." she would protest, but... not passionately, almost out of obligation. she seemed relieved. and after a moment, she would relent... and i was relieved, too, that something i was doing was finally having a positive effect. for weeks i've been feeling like a pushover, an utter failure. now it's clear i had simply forgotten something important about micah, and about all spirited children: they are children, with the emotions and desires and wills of adults. micah doesn't know what to do with the rage that flares up inside of her when i tell her she may not do the things she wants to do. it's up to me to show her the way! i can see the fear and discomfort in her eyes, even as she's smacking me and screaming at me. her eyes are pleading, "please, hold me, this is too much for me. i need you!" and i have to swallow my hurt and my own frustration at being treated this way, and hold her next to my skin so our hearts can go back together to the day she was born.

my aunt shannon told me once that with children, instead of standing in front of them wagging a finger and saying "don't do this, don't do that"... we ought to stand beside them, holding out a hand to show the way, saying "look, this is how we do this, this is how we do that." we are the messengers to our children, not the overlords.

the couple who is hiring me to babysit their infant girl every weekday starting january 5th, is coming over for a late lunch/early supper on new year's day, to see where we live and to finalize our employment agreement. i'm excited about keeping their daughter, and excited about the extra income. : ) i will have to venture out with all three kids on that first day, though; micah and rowan have an appointment at the pediatrician's.

well, right now it's 12:42 am and rowan is sleeping soundly... he hasn't thrown up for about 4 hours, i think. i'm keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn't vomit in the middle of the night! it's always so scary when they start throwing up from a deep sleep. i know i'm going to spend all night checking to see if rowan is sleeping on his tummy and not his back, so he doesn't pull a jimi hendrix...

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