Saturday, December 27, 2008

tonight i was supposed to go clothes shopping with my sister, naomi, to spend our christmas gift cards. josh agreed to watch the kids for me so i could enjoy some child-free shopping with my sister. i was really looking forward to it! well, micah broke down when it was time for me to walk out the door. the last time i went somewhere alone, josh had a rough time of it with both kids, because micah's bad mood had an ill effect on rowan's mood. so not wanting josh to have two screaming kids on his hands all night, i loaded micah's car seat into my sister's tiny, two-door toyota yaris and took her with me. bad idea. i should have known better... it was my fault for being stubborn, and insisting she could handle it, that she would have fun shopping with me. we went to the store my sister needed to go to first, and micah went wild, running around the store and grabbing clothes off the rack. so i calmly asked her to stop, and to stay next to me or in my arms. nothing doing. so, as promised if she didn't cooperate, i stood outside the store with her until naomi was done getting her things. she kicked and screamed the whole time, and the whole ride home. i should have known, given micah's recent behavior in public places (i think we have had to abruptly leave more places because of her behavior in the last month than we have her whole life), that i could not expect her to stay right by my side in a trendy clothing store. add to this ornery phase she is in right now the fact that she's had hardly any outside, energy-burning play lately (due to the cold weather, the holidays, and the virus the kids are finally over) and taking her clothes shopping was ASKING for trouble.

micah's really going through a tough phase right now. this evening, after the shopping incident, i think she had five more complete meltdowns. it's hard not to think i'm doing something terribly wrong in mothering her. here's a list of the things i do to avoid and/or handle her tantrums:
  • offer to hold and nurse her
  • speak calmly and quietly, in the hopes that she'll quiet down enough to hear what i'm saying
  • leave the room
  • try to talk about what sparked the fit, problemsolve, etc.
  • offer a snack, a bath, a favorite video, etc.
  • ignore
  • imitate her sounds and movements, in the hopes that she'll be so fascinated by my odd behavior that she'll forget why she was having a fit
  • yell
  • take away privileges
none of it works. tonight, during meltdown number three, i believe, i carried her into the playroom and shut the door, leaving her screaming hysterically in there by herself. it didn't feel like the 100% right thing to do, but i was getting close to throwing a fit myself, so it seemed like the best option. she raged and raged, and finally calmed down enough to ask me to please open the door. i did, and she came rushing in, jumped into my lap, and asked to nurse. nursing is always what calms her down completely, in the end. but i feel like i have to insist that she at least settle down enough to not injure me while nursing.

the other thing i am starting to take a hard line on is her rudeness. she is in a very rude, impolite, demanding, bossy phase right now, and it is driving me up the wall. i love my daughter boundlessly and unconditionally, but she is somewhat unpleasant to be around right now. josh and i have to remind her constantly to ask nicely for things, to say please and thank you, and to just generally be a nice, kind person. this is a real struggle for me. i don't feel like i should have to remind her to do these things, and it gets to me that it doesn't come naturally to her. at the same time, i don't think it's very respectful of her to make her "be nice!" if she doesn't feel like being nice, or to say "hi!" and respond to family members when they speak to her, if she doesn't feel like talking. but... do i just allow her to be rude and standoffish? how do i teach her to be polite and courteous, if it doesn't come naturally? do i have to wait until she's old enough to understand? or should i just try to help her make a habit of it now? ugh...

and it doesn't help matters that i get my feelings hurt for her extremely easily. it's okay for me to feel exasperated by her attitudes, but the minute i pick on any negative vibes about her from anyone else, i bristle and become a protective, defensive mama bear.

she has got such a red, hot fire burning in her core. i don't know how to nurture it and tame it at the same time. i think this will be a lifelong trial for her and me. it makes me tired, thinking about it...

No comments: